Going back
by sherl0ckh0lmes
Summary: It's been 4 years. Merlin finally goes back to Camelot only to find that all isn't the same since The Once and Future King passed and there's devastating news he has yet to hear.
1. Returning home

Merlin was standing on the hill, looking over at the view of Camelot, of the palace under which he'd served to his Once and Future King.

It had been four years since he- well. He couldn't quite bring himself to think of that day.

All those years of laughter and happiness now gone and sucked out of the place. He noticed how worn out the palace looked.

Nothing was ever going to be the same when the King died. Merlin had a lump in his throat. Looking at the palace gave him flashbacks of those times when Arthur would throw cups and cushions at him, how he'd tease him constantly.

He missed those times.

It only occurred to him just now that this was the hill he'd walked on, this was the first ever view of Camelot he'd seen when he went there for the first time in his life. Now, more than anything, Merlin wanted to re-live that moment. Even if he was about to meet the then arrogant and prat of a prince he first met.

He walked down the graveled road towards the iron gates that secured the citadel. He passed them. The streets of Camelot's kingdom were the same as ever, just less... Merlin wasn't quite sure what but the atmosphere missed something. It wasn't the same. There were still people milling around. Hens chucking to his left and blacksmiths working hard over to his right. Merlin walked on. He passed Guinevere's old house. Looking at the small hut-like house it reminded him of many things - that time when Arthur snuck into her house to take part in the tournament without the King or anyone knowing. Not forgetting that time when he walked in on Arthur trying to work out what to do with a raw chicken.

Chuckling at the memory, Merlin walked on. He stopped at the sight of the drawbridge. It still looked breathtaking even though he'd known it very well. Somehow being back here after all those years, the friendly connections of the place were cut from his reality. It was as if he was a stranger once more. The memories blared at him but he didn't feel so... close to Camelot anymore. The thought saddened him and he shook it off, walked across the drawbridge through to the beautifully-architectured courtyard.

He really did miss this place. He felt awful about not going back to Gaius and Gwen, Sir Leon, Sir Gwaine and Sir Percival. But he couldn't quite bring himself to go back. It was too soon for him. He needed to go somewhere where nothing reminded him of it until he was prepared to go. Even if it took him four years.

He debated whether to go and see Guinevere or Gaius first. He missed them both equally. He needed to see friendly faces. Family to him. He decided and turned and headed in the direction of Gaius' chambers. The only place he'd be thrilled about calling 'home'. Gaius was like a father to him and he couldn't bear the thought that anything happened to him all those years Merlin wasn't there for him. He needed to see what had changed if anything. He needed that reassurance.

He knocked on Gaius' door. He would've opened it himself but he felt that after four years of not writing to him, not visiting him, the least Merlin could do was be polite and wary. A voice from inside called out, 'Yes, who is it?'

But it wasn't Gaius.


	2. Final Farewell

'It's not Gaius' Merlin whispered to himself. He didn't open the door but put his head back against it and closed his eyes. He could sense something was wrong, something changed that he wouldn't like to hear it from some stranger. He ran down the spiral steps and back out into the garden. The cold air outside refreshed him.

Guinevere. 'I need to see her' he thought and ran towards the main steps that led to the royal chambers. Up the stairs he went. Years of memories flashed before him but determination boiled through his veins. He NEEDED answers. He felt guilt surge through him because he wasn't around and in a way he knew he probably didn't deserve to know the truth because he detached himself from everyone else he loved - Gaius, Guinevere, Percival, Gwaine - after Arthur died and it hurt now that he only realised the extent of the pain he caused.

Turning a corner he collided with someone. This someone was tall and had a muscly build. Percival was the only person that came to mind.

'_Merlin?' _a shocked Percival said. Merlin looked up to see Percival looking utterly shocked but happy. Relieved. It was quiet. Percival was still standing, shaking his head now and again as if to say that this couldn't be possible. But it was. It was indeed Merlin standing there before his eyes. 'We- we thought you- you were hurt.' Percival stuttered slightly.

It was excruciating for Merlin to hear these words. He made these people worry. But he was relieved that Percival wasn't angry at him.

'I- well I couldn't face coming back, Percival.'

Percival looked sad. You wouldn't think this was the same knight that was once one of the most down-to-earth knight of them all.

'Where did you go?'

'Ealdor.' Merlin lied.

'Wh-' Percival was interrupted then as Merlin said, flustered, 'Look, I need to see Guinevere and find out where Gaius is.'

'Gai-?' Merlin started running down the corridor and Percival was having to catch up with him. 'MERLIN! WAIT!'

Up a flight of stairs they went and they were on the same level as the royal chambers. 'Merlin' Percival was saying, 'There's something you nee-' Merlin had already knocked on one of the giant oak doors and it opened. Guinevere.

'Merlin?' She said with the same shocked but relieved tone as Percival. 'Oh, Merlin!' She enveloped him in her arms. 'We thought the worst.' she whispered in his ear. 'I couldn't bare the thought of you- not in this world, not with the strength and powers you have. I couldn't think of it. Not after Arthur. I held onto all remaining hope and...' she looked at him now. 'Here you are.' she smiled.

'I'm sorry. Truly. I-'

'You needn't have to explain.' Guinevere looked solemn. 'We understand.' she looked at Percival with a worrying look.

Merlin grew more and more suspicious. 'Wher-where's Gaius?'

Silence.

'Merlin, come with me.' Percival lead Merlin out of the room. Guinevere stayed.

They went down the corridor and in through the next door. A room usually kept for noble guests visiting from neighbouring kingdoms. The room had a dark, musky feel to it. 'He's over there. Resting.' Percival stayed by the door. He knew he'd be in the way so left the room and shut the door.

Merlin was careful going toward the four-poster bed. A shape lay motionless under the duvets but he could just make out the too-familiar white hair of the physician. Merlin put out a trembling hand and gently rested it on Gaius' shoulder. 'Gaius.' he whispered.

Dread and guilt pour through him. Tears began to form. He was trembling. He closed his eyes and dropped his head slightly. Fear was kicking in.

'Gaius, please.'

Movement.

'Merlin? Merlin?' Merlin jerked his head up. Relief.

The tired eyes of the old physician looked up at the young sorcerer's face. 'I've missed you.'

It took a few seconds before Merlin could reply.

'I missed you too, Gaius.' he gulped. 'I'm here now.'

'I'm dying, Merlin. There's nothing you can do.'

'There must be something, Gaius.'

'Just stay here. For me.'

A single tear was trickling down Merlin's cheek.

'I'll stay. I promise.'

Gaius just managed a smile. He put his hand out and put it on Merlin's cheek.

'Thank you.' His eyes closed.


	3. Awakening

'_Merlin_' the voice called. '_Just. Just hold me. Please._'

'Arthur?'

'_Merlin_' the voice droned. '_Merlin_'

'ARTHUR!' Merlin shouted. He was shaking. He sat up in bed and looked around. Gaius was still asleep. No unusual sound could be heard. Merlin lay back down, too shaken to go back to sleep but closed his eyes.

* * *

Sunrise.

Merlin was up before Gaius stirred. He went down quietly to the royal kitchens to get a goblet of water and a plate of fruit and bread. He was still shaken from the dream he woke up from last night. He says dream, it felt too real to be a dream. As if Arthur was connecting with him.

He was back on that muddy grass.

They'd been riding for a whole day and a half. Arthur didn't have long.

They were so close to where they had trekked miles to get to. It was too much for the King.

Arthur couldn't go on anymore. He fell to the ground, Merlin holding onto him. He was tired, worn out, he could feel the end looming.

'Just. Just hold me. Please.'

Merlin had no choice but to. Arthur was cradled in his arms. He looked up at the sorcerer's face.

'There's something I want to say.'

'You're not going to say goodbye.' Merlin could feel tears forming in his eyes.

'No. Merlin, everything you've done. I know now. For me, for Camelot. For the kingdom you helped me build.'

'You'd have done it without me.'

Arthur smiled and put his hand behind Merlin's neck. 'Maybe. I want to say... Something I've never said to you before...'

Arthur was fading. His eyes looped slightly.

'Thank you' he said, using the last of his strength to tell the young warlock how grateful he was for everything he'd done for him. The last words that made up for years of treating him like a nobody.

He lay there, still in Merlin's arms. The tears were breaking, Merlin couldn't suppress them. The pain of losing his king. His friend. Losing him forever was excruciating. He couldn't take it.

'Merlin?'

Merlin was snapped out of his reverie, his dark memory of that day. It was Sir Leon who spoke his name.

'Leon.'

'Are you feeling quite alright?' A worried expression formed on Leon's features.

'Yes, I-' Merlin began saying, 'I just need to get this up to Gaius.' Merlin forced a smile and left a worried Leon in the kitchens.

Back in the chamber that Gaius had been resting in, Merlin checks to see how Gaius is doing. 'Gaius' he whispered gently so as not to make the physician have to awake so suddenly. 'I've brought you some breakfast.'

Nothing.

'I'm sorry.' Merlin put the tray of breakfast on the chest by the bed and sat down by Gaius who seemed to still be asleep. 'For everything.'

Merlin gulped then carried on. 'I hated it. Being away from you. I knew I shouldn't have done that but-' he paused. 'I couldn't go back and face being here. Not when it holds far too many memories and I didn't want that not so soon aft- after he died. I felt lost. I wasn't quite myself anymore. I needed to go somewhere, focus on something, push myself away from the memories and allow time so that when the right time came that I was prepared to come back, I still could. And I did.' he paused again. He could hear the knights on patrol duty down in the courtyard. 'I know that I shouldn't have left you like that without writing or visiting. No words will do justice to how guilty I feel right now and the pain for which I caused those I love. But just know this; I am sorry. Truly.'

'What on earth are you apologising to me for?' The physician had indeed been listening to every word Merlin just spoke. 'I'm just an old physician.'

'You're more than that, Gaius. You looked after me. You gave me a home. Hope. You put faith in me. More importantly, you helped me grow into the man I am now. Without you, Gaius, I don't know what I would be or if I'd be where I am now. I owe you everything.' He put his hand on Gaius'. 'What will I do when... ?' He couldn't form the words.

'When I'm gone?'

Merlin with tear-filled eyes looked at Gaius and gave a simple nod.

'Why you must not worry about me. You are the greatest sorcerer that ever lived, Merlin. You've fulfilled your destiny.' Gaius sat up a bit straighter and looked inquisitively at Merlin.

'What happened that day?'

Merlin knew what he was asking. He didn't know what to say.

'I lost him, Gaius. It felt as if a part of my soul went with him and-'

Gaius screamed out in pain and gripped his left hand on Merlin's shoulders.

Panic fled through Merlin.

'Gaius! No! What's wrong?' He flustered, looking around and ran to the door of the chamber, bellowing out, Somebody help!' then ran back to Gaius' side and lowered his voice, 'Gaius, tell me, WHAT can I do, please. I can't lose you. Not now.'

'Merlin' Gaius panted. 'You've already lost me.'


	4. Settled suspicion

The following day.

The young warlock was back in Gaius' chambers. Guinevere said that he could go back there if he wished. He hadn't slept well. The events from twenty-four hours just before flashed back to him.

He could see it all vividly still, the scene fresh in his mind.

Gaius dying and Merlin couldn't do anything. Never had he felt more useless since his powers wouldn't help.

He held Gaius' trembling hand. His voice was faltering and he was even more frail and worn out than ever before. His screams of pain were agonising not only for Gaius but for everyone in the room to hear for they felt useless not being able to do anything.

No one could do anything but wait. The painful, torturous wait.

Guinevere was present, as were Sir Percival and Sir Leon.

The chamber was silent.

'Guinevere.' Gaius' voice quavered, 'I just need to tell you this. I knew that you'd grow into a fine Queen that you are now. As your physician, I want you to know that I am proud of you.' Guinevere was choking back a few tears, gulping, 'Oh, Gaius.'

'Now don't you start.' Gaius continued. 'I can't thank you all enough, including you both, Percival and Leon. I, as your physician, have healed everyone in this Kingdom and seen all of you grow into fine adults. You have proved to be the most valuable of friends and I cannot think of anything better to have as company during the last minutes that I have left.'

He turned to Merlin.

'Merlin' Gaius trembled. 'Before I go, I just want you to know that I will always be grateful for what you have done for me. I will never forget that. I have and will always love you as if you were my own son, Merlin.'

'Gai-'

'No, listen to me. When I'm gone, you will not have lost everything. You'll still have Guinevere and the knights. You still have Hunith back in Ealdor.' he tried to smile but he couldn't manage it. He squeezed Merlin's hand. 'You won't be alone.' Gaius had tears in his eyes now. Seeing Merlin's scared expression feared him. Feared him because he didn't want Merlin to lose hope and faith in himself.

Suddenly, he felt senseless.

His heart rate was diminishing.

His breathing was getting shorter. Heavier.

Weird sensations.

His brain felt all fuzzy.

Everything was fading around him.

His strength was leaving him.

Gaius' hand suddenly slipped out of Merlin's. He lay still. Quiet.

End of an era.

'No' Merlin whispered. 'No, no, please. NO. GAIUS.'

Guinevere, who had sat on the edge of the bed, closed Gaius' eyelids.

They all stood in silence for a few moments.

'This cannot be.' Merlin said. The colour of his cheeks faded. He had a white, slight grey complexion. He felt sick in the pit of his stomach.

Part of him wanted to stay there, by Gaius' side. He knew it was impossible that it was a horrific dream, but he wanted a glimmer of hope. The other part wanted to leave the room, he couldn't bare seeing an unreadable, dead expression on the physician's face.

Guinevere looked up with a sad expression. 'Merlin, I am so sorry.' She too didn't quite know what to do. She went over by Merlin and put her hand on his arm. Tears began to form in her eyes.

Sir Percival and Sir Leon exchanged looks, bowed, said, "We'll leave you alone." for they felt they would get in the way.

Guinevere had watched as they left the room before saying, "I'll leave you alone, too. Anything you need. Ask." with a squeeze of his arm, final look at the bed where Gaius' corpse lay, she bowed her head slightly with eyes closed then turned and left the room.

Merlin snapped out of the memory of the week before. He shook his head, whispering 'no' repeatedly. He couldn't go back and think of it. It pained him. The loss.

A loud knock reverberated from the chamber door.

'Yes?'

The door opened. It was Sir Leon. 'Merlin, we wondered if you wanted to join the fellow knights and myself on the patrol. We'd hate the idea of you not having anything to do here during the day.'

'I'm touched, Leon, really bu-'

'No.' Leon spoke with certainty. 'I insist.'

So it was decided.

Merlin joined the knights to go on Camelot patrol through the Darkling Woods and Forest of Brechffa.

There was something odd about the knights that Merlin couldn't quite put his finger on. Something was missing. Someone was missing.

As they were readying the horses, with Merlin helping to strap saddles and bags on them, the knights were gathering items they needed for the patrol.

They set off, six knights and horses, and had just reached the edge of the wood when suddenly Merlin figured out what was missing.

'Where's Gwaine?'


	5. The End

**Sorry about the gap from the last chapter update, things have been tough at the moment and so I've been sidetracked and sorting personal and family stuff out. The theme of death and loss wasn't something I wanted to write about for reasons. I am back though, with a final chapter. I didn't know how to get going or what to do for the fifth chapter since it's such a big thing to write and something I know Merlin fans like to write about - the rising of King Arthur and they're reunion so I felt a hint of pressure and didn't want to disappoint. HOWEVER I thought and thought until I came to the conclusion that I should write to my own interpretation to how Arthur and Merlin re-unite. I hope you all enjoy. Also the first half of the fic is written 60 years after the time of the last chapter. I have ideas for another fic so keep an eye out! Thank you all for reading. x**

Years and years passed since. Merlin's strength was stronger. All those he loved were gone. All gone. His mother, Hunith, Guinevere, Percival and Leon. After receiving news that Hunith was frail and very sick, he travelled to Ealdor to attend and be by her side during her last few hours. He returned to Camelot and stayed for as long as he could. It turned out he'd stayed longer than expected. He loved being in a familiar place and promised to himself that when Guinevere and the rest of the Knights passed, he travel through distant and unknown lands in search of a new home for himself. His powers were getting stronger and he much preferred his own company if he didn't have anyone else he cared for around him.

Years he lived through. His hair growing longer and slightly disheveled, the colour going from dark brown to grey to white. His face shifted until visible wrinkles were shown. He was becoming immortal. He was becoming Emrys.

In the year 2013, he still went to the spot where the ruins of Camelot stood, blanketed in moss and years of acidic weather that gave it more of a withering look. Using his magic skills, Merlin would produce little flames that floated in the air and each flame would be in memory of all those he once loved and lost.

He often wished he wouldn't be so powerful. He felt more alone and sometimes that his powers were too much for him to bear. Loss of loved ones didn't help. But he fought on. He remembered the people who had sacrificed their lives for him, to save his identity being revealed. If he gave up now, that would be the most unforgiving motive.

It was cold, raining day in Merthyr Tydfil, Wales. He still stayed in the cave. He could hunt well in the woods and managed to steal clothes that would suit him more in the atmosphere of the modern world. Things were never going to be the same and he knew that very well. He did well for himself - he would get up in the mornings and grab something to breakfast, then bathe in the nearest lake which was far too cold for his liking. He would then have a stroll through the woods, sometimes for hours and hours on end whilst his thoughts wandered. Some days he'd wander and stroll down the busier places, down roads and streets he knew not the names of but it refreshed him seeing something new everyday. One of the village roads he would walk down, he would always pass a painting of Avalon. Whenever he'd find himself passing it, he always looked at it as if by some miracle Arthur would pop out and wave, telling him he was alive. That day never came.

At sundown, he'd return to his cave and make a fire and eat the remainder of the food he'd catch in the mornings. He was quite content. That was the main thing.

Eventually the memories of the days when Arthur was a Prince and Merlin merely an idiot servant to him faded and integrated with the course of the future. Nothing was the same.

The moments the young Prince and Warlock shared were gone.

Merlin had everything and yet lost everything.

He hadn't got the will to live, to endure the pain of no longer being with those he loved. The wait for Arthur rising withered him.

He felt confusion.

Lost.

What will he do?

Nothing.

He lived on and on. He soon couldn't remember the details of the life he once lived in Camelot. His mind abandoned all the times he'd served King Arthur.

The day Arthur died was also a day Merlin died. Inside.

To Merlin, they had already said goodbye. His stories had melted. It got to the point where it ached to try and remember who he once was. He felt he was nothing without Arthur. Nothing but a useless, old, wizarding Warlock who had to conceal his true identity once more.

Everything changed and evolved around him. He was still living through years of passing and fading away of stories.

But his story of King Arthur will live long in the minds of men.


End file.
